dogs live such short lives.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

woke up at 5:30am. had two coffees. one shit. one conversation with my wife. one with my dog. psychiatrist appt in 10 minutes. got paid. so did my wife. bank account getting smaller as i work longer. work harder. doing the opposite of “living the dream”. at least i’m not dead. at least i’m not in jail. at least i have two legs and a big heart.

my dog lays comfortably beside me.

calm.

relaxed.

content.

it will be a sad day when he is no longer with us or when he gets old and becomes less mobile. less energetic.

seeing people get old saddens me.

seeing my dog get old saddens me too.

dogs live such short lives.

they are so loyal.

so loving.

so caring.

so intuitive.

so kind.

this is all “to be continued” as i have to log onto my computer for my psychotherapist appointment and get ready to spill my guts again. open up again. hopefully, get help again.

I NEED MONEY.

I NEED FUN.

I NEED JOY.

I NEED PEOPLE.

I NEED LOVE.

appointment over.

work day over.

murphy’s daycare over.

laying in bed learning lines…AGAIN.

always learning lines for roles that i don’t get.

sounds silly.

sounds wasteful.

sounds insane.

insane.

wasteful.

silly.

DONE.

A MAN’S WORK IS NEVER DONE.

I AM DONE.

I AM TIRED.

I AM SORE.

SORE ARMS.

SORE LEGS.

SORE NOSE.

SORE KNEES.

SORE EGO.

SORE LIFE.

the only time that i am happy is when i am engaged with people.

engaged in great conversation.

or great sex (this never happens).

or great debates.

or drunken debaucheries (the good old days).

wrist and hands now sore.

sore throat?

sore mind?

SORE LOSER???!!!

TIRED.

TIRED.

TIRED.

LOVE LIFE.

LOVE AND LIVE.

OR DON’T LOVE AND DIE ALONE AND UNHAPPY.

“THE GUILT WILL SUCK YOU DOWN.”

how sick is war?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

10 hours of sleep.

feeling sick.

stuffy nose.

sore throat.

low energy.

no energy.

up at 5am. went to bed at 7pm.

so tired.

so bored.

so depressed.

so stuck.

so lost.

i could sleep all day again today but i have to work.

need money.

need to pay rent.

need to pay for food.

need to pay bills.

NEED TO LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM WHILE LIVING IN ORANGEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.

soooooooooooooooo tired.

it’s hard to write with so little energy. i keep falling asleep. keep pushing. keep pushing through.

great dreams last night but, as always, they are all forgotten. maybe it was about war???

HOW SICK IS WAR???

HOW SICK ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE THAT WAR IS OUR ONLY ANSWER?

WAR SOLVES NOTHING.

big egos.

falling asleep again.

SHIT.

HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH WORK TODAY?

meds.

meds.

meds.

and more meds!!!

lots of fluids.

lots of meds.

lots of perseverance.

lots of distractions.

lots of persistence.

lots of hope.

LOST HOPE.

lost fires.

lost loves.

lost wives.

lost an loaded.

always lost and loaded.

marriage is one big pile of shit.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

who likes marriage?

who LOVES being married?

stuck with the same woman for your whole life.

stuck doing the same dull things.

stuck doing the same dull routines.

stuck following the same dull rules.

talking but nobody listening.

making money to spend the money on useless items.

useless clothes.

useless appliances.

useless garden mulch.

constant arguing.

constant bickering.

constant boredom.

constant stress.

constant tip-toeing around the house.

constantly on edge.

watching my every move and my every word for fear of judgement and fear of disrespect.

a house filled with childhood trauma.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

LIFE SHOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER.

LIFE CAN BE SO MUCH BETTER.

MAKE LIFE BETTER.

DON’T SETTLE.

FUCK THE OPINIONS AND GET SHIT DONE.

MAKE SHIT HAPPEN.

CREATE SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

make things matter.

mind over matter.

LIVE LIFE.

dull and bored and rejected and lacking fun and lacking excitement.

lacking love.

lacking support.

MARRIAGE IS ONE BIG PILE OF SHIT.

why did i get married?

i should never have gotten married.

i don’t need anybody because nobody needs me.

DO ME.

BE ME.

BE FREE.

do not live for anyone else.

sad but that is my life.

LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOO DULL.

orangeville. WHY?????????????????????????

time to run.

organized confusion.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

tired all day long. late night and early morning. shitty sleep or short sleep. the day was dull and tiring. a dog walk. a coffee. two naps. lunch. and, other than that, not much else.

i went down to my friend’s place to watch our latest film. it was great. even better the second time around. drinking wine. watching movies. listening to music then…BOOM.

in a cab on our way into the city. 2Cats. TIFF PARTY. on fire. alive. awake. excitement. dancing. drinking. flirting. sausage eating. then back to bed. wake up. head pounding. cars speeding. loud cars. loud people. fun night. late morning. grabbing a quick coffee and then back to vegas. orange vegas. cars and trucks are always loud and always fast but when your head is hurting from the previous nights drinking then the sounds are unbearable.

time to meditate today.

relaxed day at home with murphy.

cook a good meal.

drink good wine.

write.

create.

organize.

organize my life once again.

always organizing my life and it always remains disorganized.

LET IT GO.

LET IT BE.

LET IT SEE.

LET IT BE FREE.

“BE FREE MY FRIEND. BE FREE. FREE YOUR MIND OF SUCH RULES AND RECOLLECTIONS AND YOU WILL FLOURISH AND FLY.”

christian benedict mckenna.

not enough.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

long day on set. great set. too many people employed to do such average work with no heart and no soul. what possessed me to get into this shitty industry? why did i choose this industry? of all the opportunities out there in the world why choose this one?

my shirt is tight.

my belly is flabby and full.

too much shitty food and not enough exercise. tired from a late night and tired of being bored and uninspired. need to tell my stories. want to tell my stories. create. create art my way. my unique way.

THE ONLY WAY.

scattered books and a scattered house.

scattered mind and tired eyes.

do my meds work?

is my issue my environment?

are most people’s issues their environment?

needless wars.

poverty.

rapes.

murders.

illnesses.

stress about bills.

stress about kids.

stress about parents.

boys and girls and a big fat stick.

freedom to choose what we want to do.

freedom to choose what we do.

freedom to fuck up.

freedom to suck up.

freedom to back up.

choices.

endless choices and no direction.

no guidance and no love.

recipe for disaster.

not enough sex.

not enough fun.

not enough excitement.

not enough hope.

not enough human interaction.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

REALLY?

why is there so much love lacking in our family?

why is there so little communication and so much tv?

so many solemn faces and rarely a laugh.

rarely a smile.

rarely a surprise.

rarely a hope.

hope for a better life and a better life and a better life and a better life and a better life.

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy.