JESUS SAVES.

people take their jobs much too seriously. people take their positions much too seriously. stress which leads to bad behaviour and bad leadership. we are a culture of people pleasing at the expense of our mental health. at the expense of treating people properly. at the expense of our backbone. bowing down and bowing to the rich who go out for expensive dinners and drink expensive wines. money that was passed down to them from their parents. old money passed down over and over again. and despite what we want to do our minds and bodies bow down to them too. look up to them. smother them with fake compliments and fake laughs. but back to my original point. why do we take our jobs so seriously? selling shoes. serving food. cutting grass. installing sprinkler systems. all jobs that could disappear and nobody would bat an eye or an eyelash. no lives are being saved. JESUS SAVES. no kids are being taught. no decisions being made on nuclear weapons, nuclear bombs, and nuclear waste. grass. shoes. food. drink. make it about people. be a good leader. be a good person. be someone who inspires. someone who brings joy.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF AND IT IS ALWAYS SMALL STUFF.

why do restaurants have to be sooo stressful? soooo toxic?

why are there pretentious restaurant goers?

why do we cater to rich elites with deep pockets and no soul?

why choose the path of losing oneself to please someone else?

NO MISTAKES ALLOWED.

who set up such a fantastic system?

why do we follow such a shitty system?

why do we allow life to be so stressful?

DO NOT LET PEOPLE TALK DOWN TO YOU.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LET ANYONE TALK DOWN TO YOU.

UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

HIERARCHIES MEAN NOTHING.

I NEED A SHIT.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

what to write about?

what to say?

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

I NEED A SHIT.

my face is warm.

my shole body is sore.

i still have no money.

no plans.

no goals.

no structure.

no purpose.

no passion.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

OH NO MY WIFE IS WAKING UP!!!

SHE WILL INTERRUPT MY WRITING. MY LACK OF WRITING. MY THOUGHTS AND PURPOSE.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

I NEED A SHIT.

I NEED TO GET READY FOR WORK.

long drives.

gas money.

HUMP DAY?

lots of stupid sayings for dull people in dull jobs. slowly dying dull and slow deaths.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

bring passion back.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

a long weekend of drinking and fun times for my mom’s birthday. hopefully there are still many more left. she loves it when we all get along. she is a great woman. she’s had a tough life and i know that she has regrets (don’t we all) but she is a good person and a resilient one as well.

anyway, fun times but i am feeling the effects of three days of drinking.

tired.

groggy.

foggy.

sweaty.

clammy.

why do i do this to myself?

this week i will get back to my regular drinking habit of two glasses of wine at night before bed.

habits can be helpful or hurtful.

pick and choose.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

monday morning blues are upon me and i usually don’t get them anymore but i have to deal with one today. back to the grind of landscaping in the heat.

digging.

planting.

sweating.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

focus.

set goals.

what is my purpose?

execute my plan.

what is my plan?

nail down my plan.

nail down my plan and then execute that plan.

daily work.

daily habits.

daily rewards.

i want to go back to bed.

i am sooooooooooooo tired.

i miss taylor so much.

what a great human being.

her 19th birthday is fast approaching.

time needs to slow down.

i need to be more present.

i need to be healthier.

i need to exercise more.

i need to eat healthier.

needs and wants and everything in between.

my head hurts.

my heart is still.

my face is pulsating.

I AM REAL.

be me and be free.

cloudy outside today.

murphy at the bottom of my feet.

sara sleeping beside me.

taylor sleeping downstairs.

i think i just heard squirrels or mice running across our roof. peaceful music playing. four days until taylor goes back to school. back to bc. back to her friends and her new life. she’s all grown up now. life moves quickly. thomas, nana’s dog is dying. he’s old. he was our first dog. we had to give him to nana when we moved into a condo downtown. life moves quickly.

i’m going to miss taylor when she goes back to school. she’s such a uniquely great human being. i hope she realizes how wonderful she is. she is such a gift to the world.

i often wonder if i realize my gifts to the world.

do any of us realize our gifts?

do we get “sucked into” the capitalistic way of living? a “GO. GO. GO” mentality of living. never slowing down. never smelling the roses. never enjoying the small moments that life has to offer.

my belly feels flabby.

my nose is stuffed.

my legs feel sore and weak.

the daily struggles of getting older.

but today is a new day.

i will bring love and laughter to life today.

i will choose.

i will open up my heart or i will continue to break down the walls that block my heart. there is a lovely small child in there waiting to jump out. waiting to love life. waiting to bring his unique talents and energies to the world. waiting to bring his laughter and joy. a child who yearns for love and laughter and just a bit of safety and a bit of security.

BRING LOVE.

BRING JOY.

BRING CURIOSITY.

BE ME.

BE FREE.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

DRUGS.

coughing.

coughing.

coughing.

my cough leaves for a few days and then it returns with a bang.

it is dull and gloomy outside and my nose is itchy.

my house is cold and my tired dog lays beside me.

novels and self help books are scattered on the floor beside my bed and i have started a new adhd medication (again).

there are those who think adhd is “made up” or a fabricated illness. i beg to differ.

at night i conjure up all kinds of brilliant ways to improve my lot in life. all kinds of ways to improve the world. all kinds of ways to save the world. in the morning i wake up tired and my mind is restless. i decide that cleaning the house and doing the dishes is more important than saving my family. saving myself. saving the world. the cycle will continue tonight. i make daily lists. i write out daily goals. i have daily spurts of creativity and then BOOM. I accomplish nothing.

in fact there wasn’t even a BOOM.

only a quiet murmur.

my head is now foggy.

is that the result of the new meds?

side effects already?

i need to go to the gym.

my belly has become fat due to my damaged knee.

damaged knee.

hacking cough.

dizzy mind.

too much coffee and not enough human interaction.

donald trump was the president of the united states. he can’t spell and has little heart and zero soul. he is soon to be president again. he is also a criminal.

rob ford was the leader of our city. he was overweight. drugged out. dumb. sloppy and immoral. he was also a criminal.

trudeau.

biden.

doug ford.

pierre poillievre.

netanyahu.

on and on the list goes. the list grows.

criminals leading our world.

terrible leaders.

terrible people.

terrible hearts.

zero souls.

miniature sized brains.

old.

lazy.

sloppy.

OVERWEIGHT PIGS.

these are the people who we vote in to lead us.

where are they leading us to?

i am now tired.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.