Tag: poetry

old and invisible.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

shitty sleep. angry and frustrated that, after working all day in the heat, i had to come home and cook dinner and walk murphy while taylor and sara went out to the keg. i didn’t care that they went out for dinner but they should have walked murphy. i brought it up to taylor and she had excuse after excuse and couldn’t just say, “i’m sorry.”

real communication and real connection is key.

vulnerability is key.

humanity is key.

i cannot win at home.

my fault for everything.

i am left alone to fend for myself. taylor and sara don’t see this. two against one. all the time it is two against one. only if i am in a calm, loveable, funny, and submissive mood are things good at home. i have to deal with messy clothes. messy kitchen. constant needless spending. needless take-out. constantly on phones and computers. bad shows. no conversation. no fun. no excitement.

LIVE LIFE TO IT’S FULLEST.

worked at york university yesterday and saw so many beautiful girls with hope and energy and fashion style. beauty is beautiful. inspiring. made me think of all my great times in college. such fun and excitement and hope and growth and learning.

can’t write right now. mind too busy. tired. sitting in a parking lot of a strip plaza. bad sleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. time to go to my shitty job. busting my balls all day with guys that talk about nothing interesting. long drives. lots of traffic. lots of trucks. lots of accidents. lots of sitting. lots of waiting.

covid test for background work on a film. shitty film I am sure.

work at york university.

lots of beautiful girls but i am too old and too dirty for them to even notice me.

i am a construction worker on the outside but on the inside i am an artist. a lost artist.

DO ME.

WHO AM I?

WHAT DO I LOVE TO DO?

WHY?

ZERO.

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cold. dreary. cloudy. perfect day. letting out stinky farts. purple tongue. cute girls at starbucks. always cute girls at starbucks. need a shit. too much wine AGAIN. too much food. too much wine and too much food leads to foggy mornings and less drive. less fire. less purpose.

crazy dreams for the last three nights. flabby belly. crazy dreams. i had a dream last night that i was fucking some random woman in some random skateboard shop. we were fucking while the employees watched.

“I KNEW YOU WERE BALD. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS WHERE THAT HAT,” the fat old woman said to me.

i am getting old.

i am getting bored.

does life start taking a turn for the worse soon?

getting old is tough. trying to hang onto relevance. trying to hang onto HOPE.

getting older.

daughter is growing up way too fast. she is leaving soon to explore her life. where have all the years gone? living too much in the present and with zero planning for the future.

zero planning.

zero future?

zero money.

zero job.

zero confidence.

zero houses.

zero trips.

zero fucks.

zero parties.

ZERO.

ZERO.

ZERO.

i love the excitement of youth.

youthful girls.

youthful boys.

a whole life ahead of them.

planning where to go to school.

planning their careers.

planning life.

city living?

country living?

canada?

west coast?

east coast?

europe?

us?

planning.

I NEED TO MAKE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.

I HAVE, STILL, YET TO SET A SINGLE GOAL.

this is why i sit alone on a shitty patio in a shitty parking lot in a shitty town.

i crave chaos.

i crave excitement.

i crave interesting talks with interesting people.

WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE?

WHY AM I HERE?

HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?

SET A FUCKING GOAL!!!

DO IT.

DO IT.

DO IT.

february 17, 1978.

september 24, 2005.

real people.

real stories.

real emotion.

everything is endless until one day it is not.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

great sleep but woke up tired. stuffed up and with a foggy mind.

“pills. are you helping at all?”

quick coffee then off to the dentist. when i was younger i was terrified of the dentist. dr. bellman and his loud drill would give me nightmares. afraid. scared. fearful. now i enjoy going. new dentist with new hygienists. cute even behind their covid masks. getting horny as the young girl sticks her fingers in my mouth. does anyone else get the same feeling? everywhere i go i get turned on by women. dirty thoughts but never acting on those thoughts. i was once single, free, alive, and horny. now i am old, married, bored, living in a dull town and, yet, I AM STILL HORNY.

i feel sick.

i feel horny.

why do girls treat each other so poorly? so “catty”. so insecure. trying desperately to meet guys. impress guys. desperately trying at the expense of their friendships and living on edge and in fear. i have never played that game. i have never put women on pedestals. some are great. many are great for fucking. fucking and sucking and partying and more fucking and more sucking. most guys are dull. most guys are chasing women and chasing money while pumping iron and pumping their weak ego’s. such peasants. such bores. where are the exciting people? where are the real writers? where are the real artists? where are the real musicians? where are the real shit disturbers?

still feel like shit. still…still. be still.

observe.

listen.

allow.

accept.

ACCEPT ME AND BE FREE.

free heart. free soul.

remind me, again, why we are living in a dull town when there are endless possibilities out in the world?

endless possibilities.

endless beauty.

orangeville? really?

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A BORING MAN IN A BORING TOWN.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

i think i had a great sleep. feel good. feel awake. feel a big sore zit brewing on my nose. 55 years old and still getting zits. bald. grey. zits. adhd. anxiety. saggy skin. saggy balls. some people get all the breaks and others have to do so much and work much harder at life for little results. little money. life unfair. i need a sip of coffee.

i was in the city yesterday and it felt great. i felt great. the city is filled with so much energy. so much vibrance. so many pretty people wearing pretty clothes staring at pretty buildings. groups of people out on patios enjoying life while the suburbanites sit on their couches watching shitty tv.

why do people choose to avoid the excitement and culture of a vibrant city and, instead, opt for the boredom and dullness of a dull suburb with dull people and dull dogs? the city brings hope. the city brings excitement. the city of dreams and culture and hot girls and handsome boys and unique restaurants and unique buildings. unique streets. unique people. unique coffee shops. unique bars. unique architecture and unique lives. i love the city. i love cities. i am bored stiff in the suburbs. boring people. boring houses. boring restaurants. boring bars. boring trucks. boring clothes. boring. boring. boring. THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A BORING MAN IN A BORING TOWN DOING BORING THINGS AND DRINKING BORING BEER. and then one day that man gets diagnosed with a debilitating disease and he slowly begins to die. dying a slow and painful death. sad. lonely. scared. can’t sleep. can’t find joy. can’t fuck. can’t eat. can’t play sports. can’t live a wonderful life. and he can’t even jerk off.

LIFE IS SAD.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT YOU CAN.

LIVE LIFE.

why are we so sad and so dull?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

great sleep. two beers. two glasses of wine. sleeping pills. anxiety pills. want to get off the meds. who needs them? what are they good for? do they help in any way? mind is somewhat foggy but maybe I need to accept that. write about that. our mental health resources in Canada are atrocious. we are all, basically, left to fend for ourselves and society hopes that our issues all just go away. WELL FUCK THEM!!! THEM sending our society into wars, poverty, dullness, rapes, murders, debt. sick leaders and sick governments with sick rules and a sick society. why do we allow such useless bores to rule us? are we that dumb or that complacent or both?

we work. shit. work some more. drink bad beer. talk about useless things. follow useless rules. listen to useless bores speaking useless thoughts. useless lives leading other useless lives. rich. poor. debt ridden. big empty houses with big empty hearts and big shallow souls. what have we become? where are we going?

there are still wars raging with many innocent lives lost. and we all accept it.

still big banks with big bucks and big egos fucking everyone over except the big guy with the big cigar. and we all accept it.

big dull corporations offering big dull products becoming bigger and wealthier while the little man with little products and little ego gets left behind and buried under their broken down homes and broken down system. and we all accept it.

why do people go to mcdonalds when there are so many better burger joints around?

why do people watch such shitty tv when there are so many better shows and better films around?

peasants.

maggots.

bores.

sheep.

rule followers.

fake and phony.

phony and fake.

fake tits.

fake hair.

fake eyelashes.

fake lips.

fake smiles.

fake teeth.

why do we applaud this?

hello?

answer me. please.