Tag: writing

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

a long weekend of drinking and fun times for my mom’s birthday. hopefully there are still many more left. she loves it when we all get along. she is a great woman. she’s had a tough life and i know that she has regrets (don’t we all) but she is a good person and a resilient one as well.

anyway, fun times but i am feeling the effects of three days of drinking.

tired.

groggy.

foggy.

sweaty.

clammy.

why do i do this to myself?

this week i will get back to my regular drinking habit of two glasses of wine at night before bed.

habits can be helpful or hurtful.

pick and choose.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

monday morning blues are upon me and i usually don’t get them anymore but i have to deal with one today. back to the grind of landscaping in the heat.

digging.

planting.

sweating.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

focus.

set goals.

what is my purpose?

execute my plan.

what is my plan?

nail down my plan.

nail down my plan and then execute that plan.

daily work.

daily habits.

daily rewards.

i want to go back to bed.

i am sooooooooooooo tired.

i miss taylor so much.

what a great human being.

her 19th birthday is fast approaching.

time needs to slow down.

i need to be more present.

i need to be healthier.

i need to exercise more.

i need to eat healthier.

needs and wants and everything in between.

my head hurts.

my heart is still.

my face is pulsating.

I AM REAL.

a reminder of life.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

i don’t know where to start or how to start so i’ve just decided to start. starting is always better than thinking about starting. it’s always better than over analyzing. it’s always better than talking about starting. nothing is perfect. no one is perfect.

embrace my flaws.

embrace your flaws.

i met a wonderful girl (woman) yesterday while working in whitby. she saw me sweating buckets and struggling physically so she offered to get me some water. i was planting trees at her condo complex. she went up to het apartment and returned a few minutes later with two bottles of cold water. what a wonderful gesture of kindness. i stopped to take a drink and we started talking about life. typical questions at first. “how long have you lived here? where did you live before? what’s your background? where did you go to school?”

abby (that was her name) said that she just moved into the condo. she was living with her parents before buying the condo. her parents live close to her which makes things easier. she said that she just graduated from a private college in toronto. she studied theology and music. i asked her if she was religious. “yes, I’m a christian, ” was her response.

we proceeded to talk for the next hour or so. it was HOT. i needed the break.

my connection with abby was wonderful and beautiful.

we spoke about purpose and god and religion and love of family and passions and more purpose and ideas for careers and ideas for living truthfully and authentically. her and her dad had just started a church and she wanted me to join. but she wasn’t pushy. she wasn’t judgey. she was open and loving and caring and we had such a beautiful connection.

just before i returned to work abby asked if she could pray for me and i said, “of course.”

she asked me to close my eyes and she then proceeded to ask god to help me find my purpose. help me find peace. help me find joy and love and to look out for me. it was beautiful although i did feel a little awkward standing in a garden with a stranger with our eyes closed and her praying for me. but i felt free and filled with love and human connection.

abby was a blessing for me.

a reminder of love.

a reminder of humanity.

a reminder of life.

DRUGS.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

coughing.

coughing.

coughing.

my cough leaves for a few days and then it returns with a bang.

it is dull and gloomy outside and my nose is itchy.

my house is cold and my tired dog lays beside me.

novels and self help books are scattered on the floor beside my bed and i have started a new adhd medication (again).

there are those who think adhd is “made up” or a fabricated illness. i beg to differ.

at night i conjure up all kinds of brilliant ways to improve my lot in life. all kinds of ways to improve the world. all kinds of ways to save the world. in the morning i wake up tired and my mind is restless. i decide that cleaning the house and doing the dishes is more important than saving my family. saving myself. saving the world. the cycle will continue tonight. i make daily lists. i write out daily goals. i have daily spurts of creativity and then BOOM. I accomplish nothing.

in fact there wasn’t even a BOOM.

only a quiet murmur.

my head is now foggy.

is that the result of the new meds?

side effects already?

i need to go to the gym.

my belly has become fat due to my damaged knee.

damaged knee.

hacking cough.

dizzy mind.

too much coffee and not enough human interaction.

donald trump was the president of the united states. he can’t spell and has little heart and zero soul. he is soon to be president again. he is also a criminal.

rob ford was the leader of our city. he was overweight. drugged out. dumb. sloppy and immoral. he was also a criminal.

trudeau.

biden.

doug ford.

pierre poillievre.

netanyahu.

on and on the list goes. the list grows.

criminals leading our world.

terrible leaders.

terrible people.

terrible hearts.

zero souls.

miniature sized brains.

old.

lazy.

sloppy.

OVERWEIGHT PIGS.

these are the people who we vote in to lead us.

where are they leading us to?

i am now tired.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

born again and again and again.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

in bed at 9pm. tired. groggy. bored. semi drunk. up at 5am. stuffy nose. sore knee. sore shoulders. restless.

drink a coffee and think.

drink a coffee and write.

drink a coffee and feel.

where did my life go wrong?

can i fix the mistakes of the past?

is it too late to, actually, make more money and enjoy life?

is life this difficult for others?

is there anyone out there who can, legitimately, help?

is life all about money?

the world has so much money and, yet, so many people live in poverty. why?

bad television (fake).

bad movies (fake).

bad books (fake).

bad take-out food (fake).

cheap cars (plastic).

cheap cigars (colts).

cheap wine (jackson triggs).

our society in north america is filled with fake, cheap, gimmicky, non-needed items.

social media influencers? really? is that a thing? who follows these fakes?

how to get back to authentic living?

authentic food.

authentic friends.

authentic coffee.

authentic wine.

authentic films.

authentic stories.

more silence and less noise.

honking cars.

loud engines.

loud sirens.

loud people.

loud fireworks.

loud lawn mowers.

loud motorbikes.

loud brats.

loud snowmobiles.

loud trucks.

this i need to avoid.

how to avoid our societies downfalls and distractions and live a peaceful and engaging life?

the beginning of my new life (once again) has started.

emergency explosions.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

pain is constant.

knees.

ankles.

feet.

back.

old age?

shitty job?

shitty shoes?

overweight?

too much booze?

not enough veggies?

not enough exercise because of the shitty job?

i woke up at 6am yesterday.

very tired.

tired of the grind.

tired of the nothingness.

tired of the mundane.

drank a coffee.

rushed out the door and arrived at work. jumped in a truck and arrived at our first house but not before a second coffee and a breakfast sandwich from mickie dees. shitty food but tasty when you’re tired, depressed, and lost.

ate my food.

drank my coffee.

arrived at our first house of the day.

beautiful country home with lots of privacy and a beautiful property. the sun was beaming down and it was crisp but beautiful.

we pulled out our lawn mowers and started to mow the grass. i looked to the right of me and almost collapsed. two big horses standing and conversing. wild horses. after my initial shock i nervously walked over to them and soon realized that they were fake plastic horses.

FUCK.

SHIT.

OH NO.

ALL OF A SUDDEN MY STOMACH WAS RUMBLING AND I NEEDED TO EXPLODE.

a bottle of wine.

two coffees.

and a mickie dees sandwich will do it every time.

who needs ex-lax when our society is filled with shitty take-out restaurants that will ALWAYS do the trick.

i grabbed paper towels from the glove box of the truck and ran into the forest. i thought i may see a deer, a coyote, a bear, a fox, or a rabbit. instead i saw a few lady bugs and felt a few mosquitoes. i whipped off my shorts then whipped off my underwear. i took one big breath and pushed everything out in one big explosion and one big push. why can’t my shits at home be this easy??? i wiped my ass. put my underwear and shorts back on and then picked up the shitty paper towels. i was going to bring them back to the truck but my work partner would have snapped out (he’s testy) so i littered and left the shitty paper towels along with the shit back in the woods. i left the forest and returned to beauty. a hundred pounds lighter and a sense that i really am a man.

I AM A MAN.

then i started mowing grass and picking up leaves.

i am 57 years old.

sad.

depressing.

tired.

tomorrow is always tomorrow and yesterday is always yesterday.

are there still wars going on?

fight the power.