Tag: writing

three day hangovers and lost confidence.

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Mom’s birthday yesterday. she visited friend’s in unionville. i stayed here in orangeville. tending to a dog. always tending to a dog. mom another year closer to death but still thinking that she’ll live forever. me unable to move. unable to decide. unable to make decisions. unable to focus. unable to love. unable to commit. unable to make a living. distractions everywhere. time racing. hot. clammy. three day hangovers and lost confidence. lost hair. lost youth. lost Dad. lost girlfriends and lost jobs. lost cats and LOST HOPE.

tomorrow will be a new day. first day as a crew member on a film set. constantly searching for something to bring me excitement. something to give me purpose. something to provide meaning to my life.

meaning and money.

money and clarity.

the government always after me for money but providing no hope. no plans. no help. rich getting richer. the poor getting poorer. slow down mind!!!

STOP BARKING MURPHY!!!

i need to go for a run.

i need to exercise.

i need to sweat.

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE???

LIFE.

tell my story.

tell my story…my way.

real stories.

real people.

real emotions.

notanotherphony.

dogs live such short lives.

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woke up at 5:30am. had two coffees. one shit. one conversation with my wife. one with my dog. psychiatrist appt in 10 minutes. got paid. so did my wife. bank account getting smaller as i work longer. work harder. doing the opposite of “living the dream”. at least i’m not dead. at least i’m not in jail. at least i have two legs and a big heart.

my dog lays comfortably beside me.

calm.

relaxed.

content.

it will be a sad day when he is no longer with us or when he gets old and becomes less mobile. less energetic.

seeing people get old saddens me.

seeing my dog get old saddens me too.

dogs live such short lives.

they are so loyal.

so loving.

so caring.

so intuitive.

so kind.

this is all “to be continued” as i have to log onto my computer for my psychotherapist appointment and get ready to spill my guts again. open up again. hopefully, get help again.

I NEED MONEY.

I NEED FUN.

I NEED JOY.

I NEED PEOPLE.

I NEED LOVE.

appointment over.

work day over.

murphy’s daycare over.

laying in bed learning lines…AGAIN.

always learning lines for roles that i don’t get.

sounds silly.

sounds wasteful.

sounds insane.

insane.

wasteful.

silly.

DONE.

A MAN’S WORK IS NEVER DONE.

I AM DONE.

I AM TIRED.

I AM SORE.

SORE ARMS.

SORE LEGS.

SORE NOSE.

SORE KNEES.

SORE EGO.

SORE LIFE.

the only time that i am happy is when i am engaged with people.

engaged in great conversation.

or great sex (this never happens).

or great debates.

or drunken debaucheries (the good old days).

wrist and hands now sore.

sore throat?

sore mind?

SORE LOSER???!!!

TIRED.

TIRED.

TIRED.

LOVE LIFE.

LOVE AND LIVE.

OR DON’T LOVE AND DIE ALONE AND UNHAPPY.

“THE GUILT WILL SUCK YOU DOWN.”

ZERO.

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cold. dreary. cloudy. perfect day. letting out stinky farts. purple tongue. cute girls at starbucks. always cute girls at starbucks. need a shit. too much wine AGAIN. too much food. too much wine and too much food leads to foggy mornings and less drive. less fire. less purpose.

crazy dreams for the last three nights. flabby belly. crazy dreams. i had a dream last night that i was fucking some random woman in some random skateboard shop. we were fucking while the employees watched.

“I KNEW YOU WERE BALD. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS WHERE THAT HAT,” the fat old woman said to me.

i am getting old.

i am getting bored.

does life start taking a turn for the worse soon?

getting old is tough. trying to hang onto relevance. trying to hang onto HOPE.

getting older.

daughter is growing up way too fast. she is leaving soon to explore her life. where have all the years gone? living too much in the present and with zero planning for the future.

zero planning.

zero future?

zero money.

zero job.

zero confidence.

zero houses.

zero trips.

zero fucks.

zero parties.

ZERO.

ZERO.

ZERO.

i love the excitement of youth.

youthful girls.

youthful boys.

a whole life ahead of them.

planning where to go to school.

planning their careers.

planning life.

city living?

country living?

canada?

west coast?

east coast?

europe?

us?

planning.

I NEED TO MAKE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.

I HAVE, STILL, YET TO SET A SINGLE GOAL.

this is why i sit alone on a shitty patio in a shitty parking lot in a shitty town.

i crave chaos.

i crave excitement.

i crave interesting talks with interesting people.

WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE?

WHY AM I HERE?

HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?

SET A FUCKING GOAL!!!

DO IT.

DO IT.

DO IT.

february 17, 1978.

september 24, 2005.

real people.

real stories.

real emotion.

everything is endless until one day it is not.

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great sleep but woke up tired. stuffed up and with a foggy mind.

“pills. are you helping at all?”

quick coffee then off to the dentist. when i was younger i was terrified of the dentist. dr. bellman and his loud drill would give me nightmares. afraid. scared. fearful. now i enjoy going. new dentist with new hygienists. cute even behind their covid masks. getting horny as the young girl sticks her fingers in my mouth. does anyone else get the same feeling? everywhere i go i get turned on by women. dirty thoughts but never acting on those thoughts. i was once single, free, alive, and horny. now i am old, married, bored, living in a dull town and, yet, I AM STILL HORNY.

i feel sick.

i feel horny.

why do girls treat each other so poorly? so “catty”. so insecure. trying desperately to meet guys. impress guys. desperately trying at the expense of their friendships and living on edge and in fear. i have never played that game. i have never put women on pedestals. some are great. many are great for fucking. fucking and sucking and partying and more fucking and more sucking. most guys are dull. most guys are chasing women and chasing money while pumping iron and pumping their weak ego’s. such peasants. such bores. where are the exciting people? where are the real writers? where are the real artists? where are the real musicians? where are the real shit disturbers?

still feel like shit. still…still. be still.

observe.

listen.

allow.

accept.

ACCEPT ME AND BE FREE.

free heart. free soul.

remind me, again, why we are living in a dull town when there are endless possibilities out in the world?

endless possibilities.

endless beauty.

orangeville? really?

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A BORING MAN IN A BORING TOWN.

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i think i had a great sleep. feel good. feel awake. feel a big sore zit brewing on my nose. 55 years old and still getting zits. bald. grey. zits. adhd. anxiety. saggy skin. saggy balls. some people get all the breaks and others have to do so much and work much harder at life for little results. little money. life unfair. i need a sip of coffee.

i was in the city yesterday and it felt great. i felt great. the city is filled with so much energy. so much vibrance. so many pretty people wearing pretty clothes staring at pretty buildings. groups of people out on patios enjoying life while the suburbanites sit on their couches watching shitty tv.

why do people choose to avoid the excitement and culture of a vibrant city and, instead, opt for the boredom and dullness of a dull suburb with dull people and dull dogs? the city brings hope. the city brings excitement. the city of dreams and culture and hot girls and handsome boys and unique restaurants and unique buildings. unique streets. unique people. unique coffee shops. unique bars. unique architecture and unique lives. i love the city. i love cities. i am bored stiff in the suburbs. boring people. boring houses. boring restaurants. boring bars. boring trucks. boring clothes. boring. boring. boring. THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A BORING MAN IN A BORING TOWN DOING BORING THINGS AND DRINKING BORING BEER. and then one day that man gets diagnosed with a debilitating disease and he slowly begins to die. dying a slow and painful death. sad. lonely. scared. can’t sleep. can’t find joy. can’t fuck. can’t eat. can’t play sports. can’t live a wonderful life. and he can’t even jerk off.

LIFE IS SAD.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT YOU CAN.

LIVE LIFE.